Silly Thoughts in the Early Age of 20 Something

While designing interior spaces in the university studio, I had always wondered how fun it would be if I had completed all of my coursework and gained a bachelor degree. I believed that getting rid of the tiring university tasks would make me be able to experience things I had always been curious before. It turned out well though. As soon as I finished my thesis, I got the chance to experience an exciting Summer School in South Korea. And even after the graduation, I finally made it to hike a mountain, something that I had always been wanting to do since forever.

However, it had been over 2 months since the graduation ceremony. My enthusiasm for hanging out with friends subsided. Waking up late and binge drama watching were not something I adored anymore. I began to feel insecure with the fact that I had not got any job yet. My body felt stuffed and my head told me to do something new to keep me alive in this boring reality. Even so, I did not know what to do.

Instead of being the happy ending of my story, graduation turned out to be a start of my whole new life. In this early age of 20 something, there were just too many transitions going on within myself and my milieu. Some of my friends were planning on their marriage while some others still asked their parents’ permission to go out late. Some of my classmates were busy creating their own design studio. On the other hand, there were few of them who had worked in banks or companies with positions that were completely not related with our major in university. As for me, what should I do and who would I be?

Without any curriculum table and certain parameter in life, I was completely baffled in choosing any path and goal to be complied. I wanted to pursue my master degree abroad, however I doubted myself for getting a scholarship. I wanted to do something for my life, however I did not know what job suited me best. I was afraid of not getting a job, however I felt insecure too whenever they called me for an interview. I did not feel to work as an employee in a company, yet I was not sure enough to work as a freelancer. Everything was just so confusing, was not it?

If life does go around like a wheel, I was so scared of the future. I had lived happily and am blessed with a loving family, as if I had always been in the top side of the running life wheel. I could not imagine for a second if there would be time for the wheel to turn upside down. My head was full of worries and insecurities. Slowly, I started to hear several obituaries of my friends’ parents. I then felt more pressured by wondering how much time I actually do have left to shower my parents with happiness.

As I was drowned in my own anxieties, I asked my self about what I had done, what I was doing then, and what I wanted to do in the future. Answering all of the questions in confusion, I then realized that I should have also questioned “why”.

“Why did I do that?”

“Why am I doing this now?”

And “why do I want to do that in the future?”

Surprisingly, these questions leaded me to the answers that made me feel ashamed of myself. With so much time and effort to learn many things during my study, I did not really know why I pursued such good scores and achievements nor I had ever considered the merit of my knowledge for the world. And even when I reflected my future plans with this ‘why’ question, I was embarrassed to dig the genuine reason behind my purpose. I then slowly began to realize how silly I was for never seeing the bigger picture of my life and ignorantly growing so much useless doubts instead. No wonder if I had those hesitant feeling about what to do next as I never really thought about my purpose.

Being triggered with such thoughts, I wonder if there were actually chances that I had lost just because of my ignorance. Not wanting to lose more, I hurriedly forgive myself and catch up with my new plans, straighten out my intention to earn something useful for both me and the world. In fact, the more I try to understand this idea, the more I am not willing to take my time for granted anymore.

Taking this change seriously, I begin to figure out my plan by imagining how I want to contribute 35 years ahead in the future. After zooming out my life, I then narrow my vision to 5 years ahead and finally break down what goals that I want to achieve this year, what ambitions that I need to fulfill this month and even what work that I need to do today. I start to busy myself by learning many new things, looking for opportunities and maintaining my language skill at the sametime. I promise to myself to keep running and not to stuck in my baffled mind.

Even though I am still know nothing about the world and am not sure how will my plan goes, I am now certain that life is all about making plans, working on them, being patient when it does not work well and being grateful when it does. Hence, rather than leading my life without a purpose nor being stuck while finding one, I would prefer walk on my life while also figuring out about where to go.